Mike Huckabee: "It's not like I'm some homophobe." Really? REALLY?!

Tyra Banks has a talk show. (I know, right? It's on in the afternoon.) While she normally does shows about the usual talk show fluff, she's recently had on a whole bunch of the folks who are running for president. (I know, right?) The other day, it was Mike Huckabee's turn, which I find hilarious because he wasn't ever really running for president. He was walking. And now he's pretty much just standing. But hey, man: Props for still standing. I guess.

Anyway, Tyra started pressing him on the gay marriage issue and, as they all do, Huckabee tried to lie his way out of being part of the Republican hate machine. But Tyra wasn't having it. After he babbled on incessantly without actually saying whether he's for or against it, Tyra finally threw down her compact and demanded an answer.

Below, I'm including the three questions with which Tyra was finally able to get Huckabee to answer the question. His response to the second question shows why he's perfect for politics: It barely consists of sentences and it makes no sense. But what is that part about training replacements? Replacements for what? Replacements for husbands or wives?

BANKS: You're open to a public discussion [of gay marriage], at least?

HUCKABEE: I think we're having that. Whether or not we should change the rules and marriage and redefine it some way, I'm not comfortable with that.

BANKS: Comfortable or opposed?

HUCKABEE: Opposed. I think it's something that is not a good thing. I go back to the point the a marriage ought to be, the context in which two people not only have...they may not have children but have the capacity and ultimately to train replacements and create the kind of environment in which people are able to thrive. [Emphasis mine.]

BANKS: I'm asking you so many questions about this because I love the gays and the gays love me. And I know I cannot walk down the street here in New York City if I didn't press that issue and truly ask you that.

HUCKABEE: I think you should. I think people will respect my views on that; I respect theirs. The great thing about America is, we can have totally different viewpoints and we can do it without having animosity and hatred. This is one of the great countries where you can have sharp disagreements without killing each other over it. That's where I think we need to celebrate what is great about America, and that is, we all don't have to agree.

Come on, Huck! Who do you think you're fooling? We know you don't respect our views. And simply lying about it on Tyra won't trick us into respecting yours.

And where exactly do you find people disagreeing about things like this "without killing each other over it?" Do you even know what a hate crime is? Pick up a newspaper!

By the way, Tyra missed a really good opportunity to bring Huckabee to his knees. Earlier in the interview, she asked him if he wants the gay vote and he said he said, "Sure. I can disagree with people over a choice they make in their life or over a lifestyle and still be their president..." Uh, no. No, you can't.

Restroom etiquette

There are a couple things we need to discuss, some things you need to understand.

When you are in the restroom and you keep drying your already-dry hands...then staring blankly at yourself in the mirror...then back to drying your already-dry hands, you're not fooling anyone. We know you're waiting for us to open the door so you won't have to touch the door handle. How stupid do you think we are?

You're almost as disgusting as the freaks who don't even bother to wash their hands. These pigs don't worry about the door handle because they have no concern about hygeine (and certainly not about public safety). The only thing mildly amusing is knowing that the next time they go to the restroom, they'll be grabbing their dicks with the same hand that touched the filthy door handle. They may as well just slap their dicks against the door handle. These people all have herpes.

But there is one other group of boorish animals who need a verbal lashing. I've addressed this group before but it bears repeating: Even if I knew you, even if you and I were best friends, it would be inappropriate for you to stand at the urinal next to me and fart. We are already forced to be in each other's personal space. How can you think it's appropriate that one of us should start polluting the air at a time like that? Your mother should have aborted you.

Mother Nature is a real cunt

Well, it's pretty much over. We have once again gone from fall to spring with almost no sign of winter. I always overhear crotchety old men sharing stories about how "when I was a kid, it snowed every couple days. Big, huge piles of snow! Six inches, ten inches... All the time! We thought it'd never stop!" Of course, these are the same old men who absolutely refuse to believe global warming exists.

I know it doesn't make sense to most people but I love winter. There are many reasons for this and I think a lot of them spring from my childhood. And winter's ending always makes me kinda depressed. Usually, I can at least think back to a few cool snowstorms we all trudged through. But for the past couple years, winter's just been total shit; worthless shots of cold air that always give way to warm air just as the precipitation reaches us.

This year, all the long-term forecasters predicted we'd have a disgusting, spring-like season with brief shots of winter at the beginning and end. When we had a cold snap in December, they all said, "See? I told you!" I wonder what they'll say if this marching-straight-into-Spring pattern holds up. I see no indication that another shot of winter is on the way. There was a slight chance of a nice snowfall about nine days out but, as is usually the case, that's fallen apart and is now looking to be a big, fat rain event.

For about a week now, when I leave work at 6:00 p.m., I've noticed the sun is just in the midst of setting. I prefer when it's completely dark before 5:00. (Call me crazy but it's my favorite time of the year. Always has been.) And for the past couple days, I've noticed the sun is now at that spring-like angle that always pisses me off: It's the angle where it warms the inside of your car so you have to open your windows…even though it's actually quite chilly outside. (This is the same angle that warms the atmosphere to the point where it's very difficult for snow to make it the ground. Grrr.)

In recent years, I try to think, Well, summer's not really that bad. Bars and restaurants with decks are kinda cool, going to the beach with friends can be fun, and it's nice to not have to wear a coat! But the truth is, I don't go to restaurants or bars hoping so I can eat or drink while being drenched in humidity, I don't even like the beach, and wearing a coat is a good thing. (We all look better in fall/winter fashions. You know I'm right!) I don't like the heat, I hate the humidity, the pollen is literally sickening, and it's insane that all manner of creepy crawly, venom-filled critters apparently spend their days and nights trying to fing a way into my living room. (Stay outside, ya bastards!)

No. I don't like it. As usual, I'll try to make the best of it. But as is also usual, the thought will never actually leave the back of my mind: Three months til October! I can't wait!

Look at the bright side, France: At least you don't have a REAL loser like George W. Bush!

French President Nicolas Sarkozy has never mattered much to me but lately, I've been hearing some fascinating things about him. 

He was caught on film this weekend reaching out to shake hands with a local man who recoiled and spat, "Don't touch me.  You are soiling me."  Sarkozy's reply:  "Get lost, dumb ass!"  My favorite part is that the President smiled after the altercation.  That takes balls!  (Do a search on "Sarkozy" at youtube.com and you'll find the clip immediately.)

In November, at a protest against rising fuel costs, he actually called out a fisherman who had insulted him.  "Come down [here] and say that!" he threatened. 

You may also remember him as the guy who walked out in the middle of a 60 Minutes interview last year after being asked about swirling rumors that his marriage was in trouble.  Not long after, it was announced he and his wife (a former fashion model who had left her first husband to shack up with Sarkozy) had divorced.  And a few months after that, he was married to singer and former model Carla Bruni.  Classy!

Reuters reports Sarkozy's "popularity ratings are in freefall and his hands-on style of government is attracting growing criticism."  Indeed, the President's satisfaction rating recently fell 9 percentage points to 38%. 

Sad irony:  Here in America, our President's favorability rating is even lower:  35%.  (And that's from a poll done by FOX!)